What is this audition for?
It's for this show.
It's sort of like "Once Upon a Time."
You know, kind of fairy tale-esque.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- Playing a fairy godmother. - Really?
- Mm-hmm. - Kind of always saw you more
as a godfather type.
Ugh, I'm sorry. What is up with the props and costumes?
What, like, you can't go in for a fairy role
- without having a freaking wand? - Right?
I remember the days you'd be in acting class,
- you would prepare for auditions. - Right.
And you had to rely on your talent.
- Ridiculous. - The whole thing sort of reeks
- of desperation, you know? - Yeah.
Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you for coming in so prepared.
Though it is going to be hard for me to see anybody else
because you look perfect for this role.
Thank you so much, and I look forward to hearing from you.
- Have a good day. - You too. Bye.
Oh! Hi!
- Are you going in next? - Yeah.
Oh, I gotta go pick up the kids, otherwise...
- But call me later, okay? - Okay.
Bye.
Okay, Jodie, you ready to get in
on our "Bachelor" fantasy league?
We are bringing you into the "Bachelor" fold this year.
I mean, the whole idea of that show just seems kind of lame to me.
Like, people going on TV looking for love and, like,
a real relationship?
I mean, who does that, right?
It's just... I don't know.
- Okay, like, that doesn't... - Uh, Jodie?
- What? - DeAnna was "Bachelorette."
- Yeah. - Oh, my... hi.
I... am an asshole.
- Um... - It's fine.
This is gonna be fun. This is gonna be fun.
- This is gonna be great. - Yeah, it's great.
- Can we get down to it? - I love it.
All right, let me explain the rules of the game.
So this is how it works.
Every category has a different point value system.
For instance, first kiss, that's 10 points.
- That's big. - Mm-hmm.
First girl to faint, 3 points.
- Everybody faints. - What?
What do you mean everybody faints?
- There's a two-on-one. - Yeah.
What kind of show is this?
First cry, 5 points.
First drunk, 5 points.
First drunk cry, that's 15.
All right.
Okay, okay, I think I get it.
I don't know if this is quite fair, though.
I feel like you kind of have an upper edge on us.
I mean, if you watch, it's all in the music.
It's like when the girls come out,
they're either, like, crazy or they're not.
- $100 buy-in? - All right.
All right, I'll take a $100 buy-in.
- Yeah! Good. - All right.
I'm gonna do research.
- Mama needs some diapers. - Hi.
- Sorry, excuse me. - Hi.
I was wondering if it was possible
you can take that outside maybe?
Or perhaps somewhere else?
- In your car or just... - Is he talking about...
- Oh, you... oh, no. - Our customers
- have been complaining. - Are you talking about my baby?
Hold on. Let me just get this straight.
You want me to go outside and sit in my car...
it's 95 degrees outside... and breastfeed my child?
- So is that a no? - Uh, yeah! I'd say that's a no.
Do you want me to make you a hamburger,
and go put a quilt over your head,
and have you eat it?
Who the fuck complained? Huh?
Who the fuck complained? Was it you?
- Um, enjoy your coffee. - Oh, yeah.
I will enjoy my coffee.
Anybody want some cream in their coffee?
That's what I thought.
You can go to a strip club, but I can't do
what my boobs are actually supposed to be doing?
I just had, like, mom rage.
- Wow! - I feel like I could, like,
- flip a car right now. - I think you could.
Right? Such an animal.
- That was awesome. - Animal.
Right?
Okay.
Kenzie actually picked out her very first birthday present
that she's so excited about.
She wants to redecorate her room and get...
a big-girl bed!
Isn't it cute?
Kenzie picked an all-white bedroom set?
She's four.
She has sophisticated taste.
Seriously?
- 2,500 bucks? - For the dresser?
This is the price of a small Honda.
She saw it in a catalogue,
and she totally has her heart set on it.
I mean, I can't disappoint her.
I'm sure that we could find
just as beautiful of a bedroom set, like, downtown somewhere.
You know, it might be made in China and have lead-based paint,
but it would look the same.
She would never know the difference.
Just tell her not to lick it.
Fine.
I'm not trying to crush your dreams.
- You're crushing. - I just think you're being
a little unreasonable spending that much money.
Hey, Jodie, uh, I'm gonna meet you at the car.
- Okay, sounds good. - Okay.
Could I get an application?
I feel like I'm about to make history,
like Amelia Earhart when she was gonna fly around the world.
That... that didn't end well.
Oh, details, details.
So the video that Jodie took of me in the cafe went viral,
and I got contacted by the Bureau of Organized Breastfeeding
to be the face of their organization.
"BOOB"?
Se... seriously?
I know. It's great, right?
Looks like a man eating his fist.
Every celebrity that's worth their weight in their
A-list gold has a charity that they're associated with.
This is gonna be awesome because I can actually do good
for an organization I really care about,
but I can also be seen doing good, you know?
I'm a BOOB.
Yes, you are.
Today does mark my sixth year of consecutive breastfeeding.
Thank you so much.
Now we have something really big and exciting coming up for...
Actually, she's here.
Uh, this is Christine Lakin, who I'm sure you all recognize.
- Hello. - She's gonna be our new
celebrity face of the Bureau of Organized Breastfeeding.
- Hello. - Oh, my God!
- And... and Jodie Sweetin! - Hi.
Well, this... this is really gonna take us to the top.
To have two celebrity faces of BOOB, I mean,
this is just so exciting, right, ladies?
Oh, I... no, I'm actually just here to support Christine.
- Yeah. - Oh, well, it's so exciting
- to have you guys here. - Hanna, thank you so much
for having me. And, ladies, I just want to say
that I am honored to be the face of BOOB.
This is a cause and an organization
I feel really, really strongly about.
And I want to be able to take my celebrity
and really elevate BOOB to the perkiest status that it can be.
- So we are gonna fight... - Whoo!
for our right to lactate anywhere we goddamn want!
Yes!
- Yes! - This is wonderful.
So, guys, I have decided on our next target
for our next pump and dump.
There is a city councilman who is proposing
that they stop public breastfeeding
in restaurants in this city, and we are gonna show up
to his town hall and shame him like he deserves to be shamed.
Yes! Yes!
Ah, ooh.
What is a-a "pump and dump"?
A pump and dump is our specialty.
So we find people who have shamed us
and we shame them right back.
We gather a bunch of breast milk that everyone
very generously donates, and we dump it on their heads.
- Yes! - Whoo!
Oh, okay.
And who better to do it
than the face of BOOB, Christine Lakin?
- Whoo! - Your face will be everywhere
showing you supporting this cause...
- Oh... wow. - And everyone will know you
are willing to go that extra mile.
- Yeah. - Whoo!
So much to just be taking in right now.
Yes, take back that nipple.
Take back the nipple.
Take back the nipple! Take back the nipple!
Take back the nipple. Take back the nipple.
Hello, Beverley.
- You look great. - Thank you.
I was just admiring that beautiful set.
It is gorgeous. That is the last set.
It has been discontinued.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
I can't believe that you took a job
just so you could get the employee discount.
I don't believe in paying retail price.
- I'm very... - Cheap.
- Frugal. - Frugal?
This is coming from a woman who has a BYOB Thanksgiving.
- But everyone does BYOB. - Yeah, not when it's
- "bring your own bird." - Oh.
Yeah, and aren't you worried that somebody's gonna see you?
I mean, TMZ will be all over that shit.
No, all I have to do is work there for two weeks
to get my employee discount.
I could work in the stock room.
Nobody will ever see me.
I'm ready to get to the back,
get into that stock room, start organizing.
Oh, honey, honey, you are not going in the stock room.
- Oh! - You are official.
- Oh, a... - Sales associate.
- A tag. - Boom.
- So you want me to wear this? - Yeah, yeah, right there.
Just a couple inches down from the collar.
Like, you know, just, like, on the hip maybe?
No, no, no, no. We wanna promote this.
- Oh... okay. - Keep that smile.
Okay, I'm over here if you need anything.
- All right. - Let's sell.
Two weeks. Just two weeks.
Miss?
Miss? Hi.
Do you work here?
I want to talk to you about this set.
- Oh, this set? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Um...
how can I help you?
Are you Beverley Mitchell?
Oh, no, yeah.
You look exactly like Beverley Mitchell.
- I get that a lot. - You're prettier, actually.
Ah, well...
Thank you?
Okay, so I love this set.
You know what? Bad news.
Um, this set is actually our floor model, so we don't
- have any more in stock. - Okay.
And this one's really banged up.
- I mean, it's pretty damaged. - Okay.
I don't even think it has all the pieces, so...
That's okay. You can just give me a little discount,
and that's all right. I'll take it.
Actually, because it's the last one that we have,
the price actually is actually higher than it is marked.
So, um...
It's fine.
I love it, and especially if it's the last one,
I definitely want it. I want to get it.
Oh, it's on hold.
Somebody else has it on hold, you mean?
- Yes. - Okay.
But I'm here today to buy it,
so wrap it up, please.
I'd like to take it.
I'm sorry, I can't.
You can't or you won't?
I won't and I can't.
I'm sorry.
- Wow. - Yeah.
I'm never coming back to this store.
Have a good day.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Beverley?
- What just happened? - Oh, you know what?
I think she was... The price was a little high for her,
so she, you know, couldn't swing it.
Let's just make sure all of our customers leave happy.
- Okay, Beverley? - Happy.
Okay, good.
Happy.
Christine, thank you so much for coming.
I mean, we could not ask for a better face for BOOB.
Thank you. Um, yeah.
Uh, you know, it's a little... it's a little more intense
than I expected.
Yes, extreme is where we are going.
I mean, you know, it takes a lot
to get people's attention these days.
- Mm-hmm. - And women's rights
are being taken away one by one,
- and it's up to us... - Right.
- to make a difference. - Um...
BOOB is not scared to get in your face
and shake things around.
Yeah, no, definitely not.
It's, um...
Lakin is always willing to just dive into things,
but, you know, I-I'm a bit of a skeptic, all right?
I have been around the block enough times
to know when somebody's trying to fuck me.
I'm just feeling like maybe I would be more useful
to do something else. Like maybe I could
post on Facebook, you know? Or I could just write
- a very large check. - I see.
Okay, Christine.
You've latched on to BOOB, and once you latch on,
- you can't latch off. - It's kind of like
you're telling me, you know, to be Mother Teresa,
but I'm gonna go kick a dog, so...
Well, Mother Teresa would kick a dog
if it meant making a difference for the orphans.
Someone's going to get shamed.
It's either gonna be the councilman
or it's gonna be you, a woman,
who has left other women in the dust
while she just goes and lives her pretty,
little, celebrity life.
Oh, anyway, so here are your talking points.
Please memorize them, get to know them,
feel them in your heart, and we will see you tomorrow.
Can't wait!
Jodie, love the new season.
Thanks so much. Thanks.
- Wow. - Oh, my God.
She's like the Lady Macbeth of breastfeeding.
Here, have a nipple.
Oh, boy.
Oh, these are terrible.
I know.
I'm sorry. You know what?
There's this spill right here, and I just...
I just need to clean it up.
Do you mind checking out another portion of the store?
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Yeah.
Jeez. How does this thing work?
Beverley Mitchell?
Bev?
Bev, you see me, girl. It's Jaleel White.
"7th Heaven," right?
- Oh! - What's up, girl?
Oh, hi!
Hi, Jaleel. How are you?
- How you doing? - Oh, good.
So good to see you. What are you doing here?
Oh, no, I have a seven-year-old daughter,
so she's too old for all this stuff,
but people still invite you to their baby shower
'cause they know you're gonna bring 'em a gift.
Yes, yeah.
What are you doing here, sales associate?
What... what you doing?
Yeah, you know, I'm just actually...
I'm gonna be shooting a commercial.
You're shooting a commercial here?
Yes. We are, uh...
- I don't see any crews outside. - No, the... yeah.
It's... it's a new concept.
Uh, the cameras are, like, hidden,
and, um, it's more like a real reality commercial.
Is this mop in the commercial?
Um...
And cut! Okay!
Thanks, guys. That was a good one.
We'll go one... we'll go one more. Just a minute.
Sorry, that was... We were actually in it.
Um, so, uh...
Hey, it was good seeing you, Bev.
- Yeah. - It was really...
It was great to see you too!
It was so good seeing you.
Um, yeah, you... you're doing good though, right?
- Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. - You doing good?
- Yeah. - You don't...
- You don't need anything? - No.
- You know what I'm saying? - I'm... thank you.
- All right, all right. - Yes.
All right, that's great.
Have fun at that baby shower!
Excuse me, sorry. Beverley.
- Beverley, where's he going? - Yes?
Where's he going?
He... he was ready to buy.
Beverley, this is becoming a pattern.
I need the customers to stay in the store.
- He... - Okay? Please.
You're on a two-hour probation.
- What is that? - Which means for the next
two hours, I have my eyes on you.
Excuse me, sir!
Shit! Two more weeks.
Just two more weeks.
Okay.
- Ah! - There she is.
- Yeah, okay. - Mm-hmm.
- Hey. - Well, hello.
- Ah. - How's it going?
What you got there? A stroller demonstration?
Yeah, just trying to figure out
how to get it to work.
- Does it fold down? - Yeah, yeah.
- Can we see? - It's actually kind of cool.
- Ohh! - I mean, look.
- Wow! - I mean, it's like... wah!
- That's great. - That's impressive.
- Now do it back up. - Yeah.
I'd actually like to see it open again.
Now can you put it back down?
Yeah, let's just see it one more time.
Okay, all right, enough. You guys are ridiculous.
- How was today? - Horrible! Terrible!
Let me tell you something.
These people are like the tit police.
And they want me to dump breast milk
all over a city councilman. I mean, this is nuts!
- No, that's ridiculous. - I know!
It's insane.
What am I gonna do?
I got an idea.
You know how we get a script and we hate it
and we just go in and rewrite it?
- That's what you have to do. - Yes.
I'll just get onstage and say what I want to say
about breastfeeding, and then I'll refuse
to dump the milk all over this guy,
so then they look like the crazy ones,
and I look normal, and you can totally film it.
- We can expose them, yes! - See?
- That is a great idea! - Yeah, just get up there
and say, "Listen here, buttholes!"
- Right? That's what... - Beverley?
Beverley?
Did you just call these customers butt... buttholes?
- That... no, that... - Jodie S... oh, my.
- No, I was not... - I'm sorry.
Are you Jodie Sweetin?
We are so excited to have you in our store.
- I am... - Thanks.
I really apolo... You're fired.
- I'm firing her. - What?
Jodie... I am so sorry, Miss Sweetin,
and please, to your assistant.
- I'm not... I'm not... - Wait!
Please don't give us any bad publicity.
No, no, no. It's one of my favorite stores.
- She must be new. - She is new.
I don't think I've ever seen her before.
- She is started and ended. - Yeah.
Miss Sweetin, I would be glad to give you and your assistant
40% off anything in the store
as an apology for what you've had to deal with today.
You know, actually though, um, that set over there,
that was what I was coming in here to look at.
That one there.
We would be glad... I'll have that shipped to your...
And the rug as well that goes with it.
- Of course. - Right.
I will meet you at the cash register.
- Okay. - My assistant here has...
has all of my credit cards, so she'll...
- Yes. - She'll complete that.
- Yeah. - We'll meet you back there.
Great. I'll meet you over there then?
Yes. We should really hurry 'cause, you know,
you've got an anal bleaching at 3:00.
_
I appreciate you guys all for being here tonight,
first of all. I know you have busy schedules,
so thank you. Most of you are mothers,
so, again, thank you guys so much.
Are you ready?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
- I think so. - Okay, good.
Hope you have all those talking points right there.
Oh, yeah, they're all up in this old ticker.
FY-information. Not my baby.
This is the breast milk of 47 different women.
- Oh, wow. Look at that. - Yeah.
A whole bunch of it that you are gonna pour all over
that son of a bitch.
It's gonna be so great.
Um, do you think this part's really necessary?
I mean, I could just get up there and maybe say
the talking points, and maybe we don't have to do
the whole, like, pump and dump this time.
You know what I mean?
You are so funny. I love you.
This is gonna be great.
After countless hours with my staff,
and many of you here today,
I have devised a plan that will be effective
at the beginning of the month where each business owner
will be given what's called a "cover-up,"
and we feel that that is a great compromise
to those that are offended by breastfeeding
and also for those mothers and women
that are doing the breastfeeding.
At this time, I would like to open up the floor
for anyone that would like to ask a question or...
She does! She has a question! Christine Lakin has a question!
- I can... yeah. - Okay, great.
The television star in our midst.
Christine Lakin, television star.
All right, all right then.
- Hello. Ahem. - Hello.
You might have heard. Christine Lakin.
Whoo!
Um, I feel as though women
have a right to breastfeed how and where they want.
And this legislation to implement cover-ups
in restaurants is absurd.
No one should feel as though they have to use something
if they don't want to use it.
We have the right to do what we want with our own bodies.
- Am I right? - Yeah!
However, I would like to point out...
Hey, look, I just... I know.
I would like to point out that I do feel
there is a way to work together, to understand each other.
We're in the same room. I mean, if you're shaming me,
then I'm shaming you.
It's really... It's just a cycle of shame.
That's really not getting us anywhere, is it?
Hanna, I am not doing this!
This is crazy! Look!
This woman wants me to do something outrageous,
and I'm just... I'm not going to stoop to the level
of these crazy tit terrorists,
and pour this breast milk all over your head!
Whoo!
Take back the nipple!
I was wondering what that tasted like.
Sweet.
That was horrible!
I mean, who knew those bitches would be so crazy!
Not that many people recognize you, so nobody will know its you.
They say that there is no such thing as bad publicity.
It's just so out there! You know.
- Ahhhh! Yeah! - _
It is kinda big.
I do think its kind of a good picture though.
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com